99 of the Funniest Things We’ve Seen On CVs

By Mark Wilkinson

Jobseekers say the funniest things…

In February, ‘69 of the funniest things we’ve ever seen on CVs’ revealing some of the worst things we’ve ever come across within job applications.

Thing is, we’ve seen an awful lot of CVs since then… (try thousands) and it appears that jobseekers just haven’t learned from their mistakes.

From typos and misspellings, to cockiness and aggression, jobseekers really do say the funniest things.

Prepare to cringe…

Covering Letter Cock-Ups.

First impressions count, so do try to make it a good’un…

• “Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Fridays.”
• “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated.”
• “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
• “I would be prepared to meet at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”
• “I’m submitting my CV to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience.”

“I have guts, drive and heart which is probably more than a lot of the other drones that work for you.”

• “Dear Sir/Modem.”
• “Peekaboo! I just hacked your webcam and I am watching you read this…”
• “I’m sick of writing these ‘pedestrian’ cover letters; you’re sick of reading them.”
• “Sorry for any incontinence.”
• “I’m not going to waste your time by lying. I have no skills, yet.”
• “For the sake of my sanity, please hire me!”
• “I am intrested in any job use have avaiable if u could please send vercation that reciceved the email.”
• “looking for a party-time position.”
• “I have something up my sleeve for you — it’s called inspiration.”
• “I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”

If you think these cock-ups are bad, you need to read these “creative cover letters, gone wrong.”

Appalling Personal Statements.

So you made it through the cover letter, now that opening personal profile better be a doozy…

• “My favourite colour is Taupe, cos it rhymes with Dope.”
• “i don’t like to play by the rules… sometimes that gets me in trouble.”
• “I have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16–18.”
• “I hate my job.”

“I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers!”

• “Current Salary: £28,000. Desired Salary: £170,000.”
• “I have a driving license. But I’m not exactly supposed to drive.”
• “My real passion is cocking.”
• “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”
• “Desired Position: Profreader.”
• “Number of dependents: 40.”
• “Once upon a time, there was a princess named Sue…”
• “Martial Status: Celibate.”
• “Email: ilostmybabies@yahoo.com”

How to get your CV shoved in the bin (metaphorically) in roughly 2 seconds.

Worrying Work Histories.

Those pesky employment gaps can really cock up an entire CV…

• “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people”
• “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”
• “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing and executing final candidates.”
• “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
• “Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
• “Dispensed medication and passed out.”

“Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying, negotiating and sock-control experience…”

• “References: Clare”
• “May — June 2013: Decorated my parents house”
• “Size of Employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
• “I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
• “Night stalker in Tesco”
• “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies”

…but ANYTHING is better than these awful snippets.

Impressive Key Achievements.

Surely no one can go wrong citing their key (professional) achievements?

• “Being sober”
• “Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”
• “I’ve won a variety of eating competitions, across the world.”
• “I came first in the (primary) school long distance race.”
• “I forced myself to like olives.”

Key Achievement: “Divorcing my wife…”

• “Meeting Tom Jones.”
• “Starred in a pornographic film.”
• “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes.”
• “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
• “Oversight of entire department.”

Strangely, we come across an awful lot of food-related and oversharing ‘key achievements’ and activities, especially on LinkedIn.

Shameful Reasons for Leaving.

If in doubt, write ‘looking for something new, inspiring; a new challenge! Do NOT write this…

• “It was hard work.”
• “I had a fight with the boss.”
• “Making my company £10 sales in a year.”
• “They insisted that all staff get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
• “Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“I’m just looking for an easy job, that I can do well, but allows me to leave on the dot and enjoy the good life...”

• “They were basically a bunch of arseholes.”
• “I’m sick of working for corporate w@nkers.”
• “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
• “I din’t give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”

We recently posted a blog all about the stupidest and most ridiculous reasons people have been sacked… I’m guessing that the 21 poor souls on that list won’t have plastered their experiences on their CV.

Troubling Key Skills.

I’ll tell you one skill that NONE of these job candidates have: CV Writing.

• “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”
• “Quick lerner, good at mats amd speling.”
• “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
• “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”
• “I am a great team player I am.”
• “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”

“Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves. Which is hardly ever…”

• “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”
• “My qulifications include close atention to detail.”
• “Grate communication skills.”
• “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
• “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”
• “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”
• “I Speak English and Spinach.”
• “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
• “I am a rabid typist.”

Recruiter Pro Tip:

For goodness sake! Proofread your CV before you send it out.

Interesting Education & Qualifications.

*Shudders* — honestly, it just gets worse and worse…

• “I did go to primary and secondary school.”
• “University: August 1890 to May 1993.″
• “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”

“I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”

• “Who needs educasion these days? I learnt everything I know from the world and tv.”
• “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

Yes — you could argue that experience is more sought-after these days and probably rightly so, but these cock-ups aren’t exactly encouraging to prospective employers.

Bizarre Hobbies & Interests.

Last but not least, your chance to impress with your winning personality and buzzing social life…

• “Donating blood — 12 litres so far.”
• “I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.”
• “I like doughnuts, cupcakes, chocolate and ice cream. Together.”

“Horse rideing,like going pub when havent got my kids. looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they anit at school.”

• “Marital Arts” (Possibly meant martial arts?)
• “I don’t like sport, board games or games consoles.”
• “i like playing sport, which i fined gives me a winning appitite for life.”
• “In my spare time, I like owls.”
• “I love having the easy life.”
• “I have 14 cats”
• “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people.”
• “Painting my toenails in varying colours.”
• “Playing with friends.”

Really? I wonder what dogs and interesting people taste like…

Are You Cringing?

These awful, terrible, weird and (not-so) wonderful CV snippets really do make me shudder!

Recruiter Pro Tip.

Do yourself a favour and read through your CV before you start sending it out.

The ridiculous, weird and to be quite frank embarrassing examples we’ve displayed above are, of course, worst case scenarios, but smaller mistakes can (and do) happen. Believe me.

And it is OK to get creative with your CV — in fact, some of the fantastic creations we’ve seen are bloody fantastic, but there is a line. Don’t cross it.

Enjoy this post?

If you’re in HR or recruitment and would like some tips on how to quickly screen CVs, check out this video — 3 Tactics To Speed Up CV Assessment.

If you’re a jobseeker and would like some tips on how NOT to completely fudge your CV, check out this post:22 Reasons Your CV WILL Get Rejected.

As you can imagine, we know a thing or two about what makes a CV and/or candidate great!

Or, if you’d like to receive a weekly email with similar funny stories and recruiter confessions,click here and we’ll send over a light-hearted story to brighten up your day.

About Mark Wilkinson

Mark is one of the founders of Coburg Banks and heads up the permanent recruitment division of the business. Every day he helps companies with their recruitment projects, sourcing the very best individuals for their vacancies. He understands recruitment inside-out.